I’ve failed ME!

I let what has been a set happy place and way of life for me go…YoLUing. Why?! I’ve been nesting and trying a different path in my life, and it’s interfered with reaching new and hugher goals and dreams that I set for myself. I feel….LOST…

See, I made someone else a priority in my life instead of keeping ME THE priority in my life.

I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face angry at MYSELF for losing the primary focus that drives me…being a better me for ME! Where did my happiness go?!  I have been in this relationship for the past 2.5 years…and I’ve never felt lonelier. I’ve never been happy consistently for longer than 30 days because it’s ALWAYS something that he does that causes conflict and distrust. And after 2.5 years I am as close as I’ve ever been to ending it. Truth be told, it’s over 2 years past due. I can’t say that I’m blameless with some conflicts. But by leaps and bounds, I have definitely been the one making the biggest sacrifices and compromises. I don’t recognize ME anymore.

I need to allow myself to let go and walk away, knowing I’ve done all that I can. I need to grieve, and move forward.

Love sucks sometimes. I never thought I would become one of those women…

 

 

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Drowning in it?! NOT in MY pond!

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I have been wanting to put in writing my thoughts for a long time now. Many things held me back…the most prominent being “What will people say/think?” I came to this conclusion…”What do I say?” What do I think?” Because right now, that is the only opinion I’m taking heart. This post is meant for ME! I needed to SEE the words. I have been internalizing them for a while. If what I say helps someone else, cool. But that’s not it’s intent.

*Deep breath then jumps into the deep end*

For several months now, I was surrounded my nothing but controversy. It was dropped at my doorstep by busy bodies that I LET USE ME to further their own purposes..whatever the hell those are/were. I can accept that I was somebody’s pawn…for about 2 seconds. But that whole time frame has been affecting my life ever since.

Let me pause and say this to make sense of who I AM!..or am NOT!

I have never been one to suffer elementary school/junior high bullshit when it comes to “being the cool kid”. Most people either liked me or hated me for that. I let it slide off my back then…and I am flushing down the toilet now where all good shit should be! I just don’t get caught up in other peoples bullshit like that.

“So why did I let this happen THIS time?”

I honest to God thought these folks were my friends! Nothing could be further from the truth. How do I know this. We ALL know when something isn’t right. It’s those hairs that raise on the back of our neck, the goosebumps, the bell that goes ding, ding, ding when lies are being told & deceit is running rampant. …We know. How do I truly know they are NOT my real friends? A friend of mine said it best a couple of days ago in a post when he said: “Instead of introducing myself to a certain person at a party, I just sat back and watched them in their element to get a true feel of who they really are”. I said to myself, “I’ve been doing this for a while now”. I have been watching how people have interacted with others, the mannerisms and body language, what they say, the phony smiles on faces, then the dropping of the masks when that person turned their backs. This has happened to me on so many instances with some of the same people til it ain’t even funny no more! I have been there for many of these people because when I give someone my friendship, I am genuine about my feelings. I don’t have an agenda. I’m not trying to be Mz. Popular. That kinda thing doesn’t benefit me one bit. I don’t have to lie about anything I have said. All one has to do is ask. Now, someone may not like the answer they get, but I will answer honestly. If what I have to say puts me out of the “cool kids” group, so be it! It’s actually okay, I kinda did that myself. Although, I was told several months ago by the “busy bodies” that I was “kicked out” back then.

What I am experiencing is those same people who swore “Oh, I LOVE you to death. You’re one of my favorite people. You know I got your back” can’t be found these days. They don’t speak to me, the invites dried up, if we’re at the same event and there’s a chance for some form of play, a thousand excuses on why I am not included are thrown my way. For the longest time, I let this eat away at me inside. Today? Not so much. I have made peace that these are truly not, and have never been, my real friends. Sooooo, what’s next in that arena? I am very much okay with cutting loose those folks just as much as they have me. That is for ME! It’s not about them! It’s about what’s going to keep me moving forward on my journey. If it’s one thing I have acknowledged over the years you just can’t make everyone happy…you have to start with yourself. That means I am about to take the next significant step…removing those people from my friends lists…“Why do you have to do THAT?” one may ask…you’d be amazed at how much value one puts on seeing his or her names on a persons profile. That sort of thing doesn’t matter to me.What matters to me is how you treat me on a daily. If you want to truly keep up with me, and be a real friend, I can be found OFF screen with a pulse in real time doing REAL things with REAL friends.

Okay, acknowledgment: All the people I consider friends? We don’t converse daily, weekly..hell maybe not even monthly, but you feel and KNOW who those people are, and it’s like yesterday when you do get together again. I don’t feel tense around those ones, I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be anyone but myself. There are no hidden agendas. They don’t care what the others think of me..and vice versa..we just..ARE.

I lost so many “things” in the last several months.I have even a lost a few people. Hell, I even lost weight. But know what I gained? Peace of mind…stability…increased self worth…THOSE things are priceless. Trust me when I tell ya losing baggage feels wonderful. Sometimes, extended “lists” are just that..baggage.

When it’s all said & done, what do I want to be remembered for? Limelight? A person who compromises their integrity for others? An ass-kisser? Or do I want people to remember me for having a giving, caring heart who lives that way every day…that I love hard and smile from my heart?..Yeah…remember for the last one cause that’s all anyone is going to get from now on. And if someone doesn’t deserve it?…they won’t get it..it’s just that simple.

“Drowning in bullshit? NOT IN MY POND!!!”

 

 

 

 

2012 YoLU Beginning Goal: Survival

Strong opening words…That’s because they very much apply. That’s what I am trying to do right now…SURVIVE!!!

What I am doing is not living. For me, living means I feel some sense of purpose, of accomplishment, some kernel of peace and or happiness no matter how small. I have not felt that way in MONTHS! I put on the big smile and socialize because that is what is expected of me by my peers. What they don’t know is I have been miserable for what seems like forever. Do I hate myself?! Of course not! I am not that far gone yet…I do LOVE ME SOME ME! A large part was coming to terms that everybody that calls themselves your friends really aren’t. They can’t wait to get behind your back, and gossip about you. I am in the process now of cutting those people out of my life completely. Just because you’re popular in the “community” and smile a lot with people doesn’t make you a good person. I’ve seen the darker side, and I’m not afraid to disassociate myself from you.

“DETAILS, DETAILS!!!”…

I’m not going too deep into that, but I will share one major reason for my survival mode: Incredible financial burdens. I don’t share my info about that, I don’t talk about it, I don’t post about it. But recently, it’s been a major topic of discussion among my “friends”, so I feel compelled to mention it. Hell, I have seen posts about it on Facebook! Really bitches?! REALLY?!

It really hit hard when several months before my daughter graduated from high school the child support stopped. I never realized how much I depended on it to help me take care of her until then. I was left with all of her graduation expenses, her insurance, feeding her, housing her…all of that alone off my piss poor salary. Then my car died. I could ill afford a car note, but I had to do it just to get from point A to point B. Add to that the fact that no matter what I said, she insisted on going to her “dream school”. Like a good parent, I went along with it because damn if the tuition isn’t covered, and what I’d be responsible for was minimal. That sounds good, right? WRONG! When you are already on a “ramen noodle” budget, and you are still overextending yourself, you just go deeper and deeper in debt. Now, I’m drowning! I lost my car. Yep, I put it out there…my car got repoed. I am making it to and from work the best way that I can. Going to community events are not a priority to me…surviving is.

To compound matters, I owe out so much money to people. Everytime I even LOOK like I want to repay it, something else happens! I love my child, but her thoughtless trip home for Christmas without planning it took away any chance of me repaying anybody, getting even a “whooptie” to drive around, and getting my phone turned off…correction..”OUR” phones turned off. We practically have no way to communicate except for emails.  I just sent her back to Cali, and it has wiped me out! For the whole month of November, my bank took me on a fucked up financial journey that I didn’t find out about until my car got repoed…cause I took my eye off the ball. Now, let’s imagine how my survival mode is right now with all that shit happening, plus people talking about it on Facebook! Yeah…exactly!

I thought January was my breakthrough month…not so far.

February will be different if I can make through January. Bad situations don’t last forever…they just “seem” like they do. Getting constant negative gossip feedback makes it seem that way…but that doesn’t matter either. I just needed to address that shit!

What’s my plan? Let’s put it this way, that is NOT up for public opinion or debate. If “peers” start to meddle in my affairs ONE MO FUKKIN TIME, I WILL HANDLE YOU!!!

Now…as for these “dudes” that are so insincere and all about themselves, and what they can get? Fuck off! Does it seem like I got time for that bullshit!

I just had to get that out of the way because it needed to be addressed…back to my YoLU…

Just posting this has lightened my burdens tremendously. Living with all this pent up inside has been killing me!

Back to my regularly scheduled YoLU…turning survival mode into LIVING mode again!

 

 

 

Year End Clearance

My Year of Living Uncomfortably has all of 17 days left before that year is up. It’s time to take inventory…

“Where am I right now” in the terms of my YoLU…depends on what day I ask myself that.

Most days, I have seen growth…and a lot of it. Some days? Like today? Not so much. Some days, all it takes is a “sentinel event” to occur to bring back major insecurities, doubt, the feeling of drowning in 3 inches of water. I can pinpoint “moments” now that set those “sentinel events” in motion months, days…moments ago. The problem with that is no matter how much hindsight is 20/20, you can’t unring the bells. And I don’t care many times I try not to repeat the same mistakes, or allowing the same types of people in my orbit, the crap just keeps coming anyway.

I STILLhave 17 days left, so let me see what miracles I can work to counteract those “sentinel events”…

Year End Clearance time…

Facing the reality that I can’t spend time with my children for the holiday season due to poor finances has me incredilbly down. All three of us are so caught up trying to make a living until we are making no time for each other. I hate that type of reality check…they’re not so easy to cash, and tend to “bounce” back up much later in life as time missed that could have been better spent. It’s not just about the holidays. It’s what I see ever so frequently on a day to day basis. This is usually how it starts…

The new job is a catch 22…I love working 3,12 hour shifts a week. The downside? The pay scale has drastically dropped in my field on all levels locally because institutions are hiring fly-by-night people for my profession at a much less rate that don’t know AND don’t give a shit about the profession. At the same time, supervisors are wanting to use my expertise…for free…because of the years of experience I have…that they don’t pay for. I am no one’s jack ass. I do my ob, and is damn good at it, but I draw the line when it comes to that. The metro area has taken to hiring a certain nationality for cheap to fill slots. That sucks ass. *Reality check*…

Personally…New dwellings…FABULOUS!!! The peace and tranquility I have here is priceless! Now if only my romantic life would get that fucking memo! I do have one very, very awesome “underling” that makes my world so much brighter. (Don’t ya like the way I can keep that p.c.!) LOL But at the end of the day, I still lack the companionship, romance, “interaction”…(another p.c. moment cause this is public) that I crave.

Emotionally, I FEEL the growth. I have come so far with that in this allotted time I gave myself. I have shed a few *associate/friend* pounds since starting my YoLU. Most were for the better…some were a tad regrettable. Still…it is what it is.

Financially, still fucked up! I’m not alone by far in this. This economic climate has just fucked up the world, and I swear there seems to be no end in sight.

“17 more days”, huh? Time to start planning next year’s YoLU…cause this one is a wash…on to the next one…

Beyond the Expiration Date…

Month 9…(This fucking time is flying!!!)…

Re-evaluating where I am in my YoLU is painful right now. I am falling way short of  where I want to be at this point in the year. In “MY” mind, I have taken more steps back than forward…Financially, personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally…That pretty much covers everything alright.

Financially,………JUST GAWDFUKKINDAMN!!!! Nuff said!
Personally…I am falling short of my general overall plan to grow as an individual, lapsing back into comfort zones instead of stepping out into my blessings. Damn! That just applied to my financial set backs also…which ties in to professionally… I am suppose to be living the single, over-indulgent life I was accustomed to pre-McNeedy. I would love to say I have much time to rebound there, but tomorrow…no, fuck that…TODAY is NOT promised to us, sooooo …yeah…anyhow…

For me, mentally and emotional shortcomings effect the other aspects, causing a trickle down effect. When I’m fucked up mentally and emotionally, it’s like spinning your wheels in the deepest mud puddle for me….forward motion ceases. I just get…STUCK!

Right now, I do feel “beyond my expiration date”. What does that mean TO ME???!!! To me, that means that I’m “uninteresting, undatable, unfuckable, unwanted, unneeded…just fucking…”UN“. Despite best efforts to work on my “upkeep”…yanno…weight management, appearance, trying to stay on the positive tip…feeling “UN” does fuck with my mentality and emotions. Yanno how useful you feel when you’re told “how hot you are for your age”, and being thrown to the side for the “younger models”? I can tell ya…not useful or wanted or needed at all. That extends to the professional level as well.

If I hear “Those are YOUR insecurities to deal with…it’s on you” one mo fukkin time, I’m gonna stab somebody! In “MY” community, we have a motto: “The only time you should be looking down on a sister is when you’re helping her up!” Some don’t get what that means, so let me break it down. We all have shit in our lives that makes us fucked up in the head. Each “fucked up” moment is an individual entity. I personally take that creed and apply it to my life as when I see a person struggling with whatever is going on with them, I stand by that person. I don’t leave them or turn my nose up just because I “THINK” I have it better than them. I don’t use my own insecurities to make them feel worse about themselves. Even if it’s a held hand, a kind word…whatever it is that I can extend get that person “beyond the break”, that’s what I’m gonna do. I don’t get that back a whole helluvalot…I do get a lot of judgment and horrible opinions, though….uuummmmm…yeah…

Soooooooo…what’s next? How do I get out of this rut? Cause I only have 3 more months left (and YES, I AM PUTTING MYSELF ON A DEADLINE!)…First thing I’m going to do is eliminate the negative…negative debt, negative career, NEGATIVE FRIENDS!!!…then watch that mentally and emotional state return back to the positive I’m use to.

THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!! TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK….

December 31, 2011 will NOT find me in the state where I am right now…I won’t carry that negative into a beginning of a continuing YoLU…

 

 

Mommy Martyr…when being a saintly parent back fires…

I have always tried to be a good parent. Not a perfect one, but a good one. I tried to lead by example by always putting myself last.This was especially true when it came to having a romantic life and relationship when my daughter was born. I tried to NOT do what I saw growing up…my Mom putting us on a back burner to her relationships with her lovers, friends…anything at all that kept her from “being a real mom to us”. I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER put my kids through that…

In the process though, I have missed out on having the opportunity to be in a healthy, loving, caring relationship. I always told myself that I would have my chance when she graduated high school and moved away. What I didn’t factor in was how old I would be when that happened.

Sure, I had lovers…even a LTR in the last 18 years. But none of those things occurred in front of my children. I kept that part of my life private, and away from my household. Hell, I was with one guy for 15 years off and on…that was a dead end, unhealthy relationship, so I’m glad I kept that one on the DL.

Fast forward to today…Loneliness ensues big time. I miss being cuddled, loved, taken care of…taking care of someone else besides my kids. I didn’t think at the time I set those stupid goals so many years ago that men would not be interested in women my age much…they would be looking for younger. Or having been through bitter relationships, weren’t looking to “get serious” again. Trying to find someone in my local region that wants the type of relationship I want and need is a bitch! I am very much contemplating traveling around the country/world to find a “better hunting” ground so to speak. This is where my friends are, but lately that hasn’t been enough for me to justify putting myself first in what I NEED! I have wonderful times when I am together with my friends. I am very much enjoying my fwb relationship…but when I come home to an empty house…an empty bed…when I need someone around to tell about my day, to make love to me when I am horny, cuddle when I am feeling “snuggly”,  travel with, cry on a shoulder, laugh at lame jokes with…well, THAT is missing in my life. And lately, that has been weighing heavily on me. The kid is leaving soon for college. The other has been on his own since he was 18. The thought of being THAT alone is heartbreaking to me. Add to it the shift that I work, and I feel that I have painted myself into a corner.

Tomorrow I continue my goal of seeking employment on a shift to make myself more readily available to “search” for what I need. I will be doing this hot & heavily until I accomplish that!!!

In the meantime though…one is still a lonely number.

Yeah…that “Mommy martyr” shit seriously bit me in the ass…can I have a re-do?!!!

The Half Way Mark…

Six months into my YoLU…”Where am I now?”

High Points:  Started a new job in January, Moved into another place and got a dependable car in April, daughter graduated from High School in May, left behind family baggage in May, rediscovered my sexuality in June…STILL blazing that trail! Lost a decent amount of weight (I refuse to keep up with how much) since the beginning of the year.

Set backs (cause you just HAVE to mention those to stay honest with yourself:  I have not been seeking out new employment as I said I would…got stuck in comfort zone again. I am not living in a dwelling I am happy in yet. I am still in my confort zone with my sexuality…not complaining about what/whom I am active with, but I KNOW there’s more to be tapped into. I’m still being timid about what’s next. I have not set in motion the physical workout plan I need to do in order to be happy with the person I see daily in the mirror. Despite what everyone else sees and is happy with, I’m just not “there” in my eyes.

Moving Forward: Job search first because I am very unhappy working at night. My social life matters…I need it to stay mentally and emotionally healthy. My friends matter…I NEED them in my life to survive. My friends have become my family by choice. I WILL work on the physical me. I am not gonna stress myself out about it, but I am gonna start saving to get that gym membership accomplished. I have a couple more extra bills added to the expense account that is already non-existant, so I REALLY have to work that in!…even more reason to secure the job I need to afford LIFE! *saying to self*…”REPEAT AFTER ME: I Olivia do solemnly swear to let go of the pussy, will stop hoarding the pussy, and will do whatever it takes to make the pussy happy!!!”   I AM repeating this to myself as I type this!!!

Me going to Duckstock, and attending Trin’s class, and saying those things that I said out loud to someone other than myself was very cathartic to my soul. I am doing so again…right here, right now. When I backslide, please don’t hesitate in inserting metaphoric foot up my ass!

Here’s to the next 6 months…

Coco/Olivia

Living Uncomfortably in Your Own Mind

      There are so many opportunities to live uncomfortably; all you have to do is just be open to them.  I know some people have certain things in mind for living uncomfortably.  For myself, there are a few specific things but more than anything it’s about taking the opportunities as they come.  I have one such opportunity come to me yesterday afternoon.  This is something I have been working on for almost 10 years, and now that it’s here are it seems quite terrifying… but in a good way?

          A joke pretty freely about my OCD with people I know and even those I don’t.  I’ve worked hard over the years to overcome some of the difficulties I faced because of OCD. I learned a long time ago to make peace with my demons, invite them in, give them a cup of tea and get to know their story.  What’s the old saying?  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  Because my OCD is the butt of many jokes, from myself and others, many people don’t really understand the day-to-day battle that I face.  In truth, I make sure a lot of the time that people don’t because of the way that I grew up.  Now days people don’t think so much about it because doctors know more about OCD, have treatments and therapies and the mainstream populace is familiar with it to some degree (though most of that seems to be Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good as it Gets” and a few other such movies).

          The problem that I have faced over the last decade, since coming to terms with the fact that I do have OCD, is that if you aren’t locked in your home checking all of your windows and doors 25 times every hour doctors tend to blow you off.  They see you as highly functioning and therefore not in need of as much attention, if any.  At least that has been my experience.  And yes, I’ve talked to multiple doctors about it though admittedly in the last few years I had pretty much given up hope.  Our Western culture wants to treat symptoms rather than root causes very often and that was the case with me.  I am very proactive in my own health care, spent a good deal of time researching my condition, and went to the doctors fully armed with the intent of being an integral part of my own treatment.  Doctors don’t seem to like this idea very much…perhaps it threatens their God complex.  Who knows?

      I grew up with a father who has OCD and other members of my family as well; when you’re surrounded by that those behaviors don’t seem odd.  It wasn’t until my 20s that I really started to get a taste of the fact that those behaviors were very unusual.  I’ve spent a great deal of my life camouflaging those behaviors so that no one ever saw them because I constantly got in trouble for many of them, even within my own family and especially in school and other public venues.  I learned very quickly that being the odd one out can really suck and so I did everything I could to minimize that.  However, in my late 20s I discovered that I was going to have to do something about this or it was going to make me crazy.  So, I did what I always do. I started reading, I started researching, and I started looking for answers.  I began on my own, and through some assistance in therapy, to modify the behaviors that I could and let me tell you I’ve come a long way baby!  But also to do all of these things without the assistance of medication and behavioral therapy has taken a great deal of energy, time, blood, sweat and most definitely tears. 

       I’ve known for a while now that it was time to take it to the next level. I have reached a plateau that I was not going to be able to pass on my own.  So, back to the doctors I went.  Once again I met with apathy for the most part or an unwillingness to allow me to be a partner in my own health care which I will not abide.  I had almost given up.  I had an appointment scheduled at the beginning of January for one last go round and some things happened that were unavoidable. I canceled the appointment and did not reschedule.  However three weeks ago I knew that I had to reschedule the appointment. I had to push myself out there in live uncomfortably in this just one more time.  My appointment was yesterday morning at 11 AM. At 10:30 AM I was seriously contemplating canceling the appointment.  I just didn’t think I could go in there and have the same type of conversation one more time.  However, I forced myself out the door, got there on time and proceeded to wait for an hour and 15 minutes…it is the doctor’s office after all. Lol 

      The fact is that it’s been a very frustrating journey for me to even get a doctor to have an intelligent conversation with me about it.  Well, yesterday that finally happened.  I don’t know what was different but the doctor finally listened.  I found myself wanting to rush forward to make sure I got everything in so that she had all of the information that I wanted to give to her while she was in the space to listen.  I had to really pace myself, calm myself, and try to be clear.  It was almost a little bit surreal to finally have someone actually talk to me about it rather than down to me and to work with me in a way that I am comfortable with in my own health care.

      We talked about options for treatment and the things that I will need to do to augment the treatment.  Drug therapy for anything like this is very scary for me and not something I take on lightly.  I am not of the school that a pill or an operation will fix everything.  A happy little pill is not going to make this all go away, not by a long shot, but it will give me more of a fighting chance.  I am simultaneously petrified and hopeful.  This is a very scary thing for me to put out there on this level because I’ve worked so hard to camouflaging over the years and most people don’t have any idea.  But if my putting this out there helps with one other person not feel so alone, not feel crazy, not feel like it’s their fault and maybe take one step towards helping themselves then I will take the risk of looking like a crazy fool. 

      This is not something I asked for, it’s not something any of us who have OCD ask for and it doesn’t mean I’m crazy.  The fact is I have OCD and it is incumbent upon me to do to the healthy things that I need to do to lead a fulfilling and happy life that I want.  Things will work out as they should, I always believe that’s true.  They may not work out the way I want them to, but that doesn’t mean they won’t work out as they should. Lol 

       Having faith or being brave doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid, those are myths.  The truth is having faith and being brave means that you turn towards those fears and on some level you know that once you face them and walk through them it is going to be better on the other side.  The anticipation of the fear is always worse than facing it.  So, here I am turning around and facing the fear that if I am open and honest about this people are going to run from my life in droves.  In truth the people who are closest to me already know and I know they’re not going anywhere.  It the people that I am not close to and don’t really know the day-to-day turn away from me and run then I know where I stand.  Where I stand will be surrounded by the people who like me and love me for who I am and where I’m at in my life just as I do the same for them.  In the end no matter where I end up standing the important thing is that I will be stronger for this experience.  It doesn’t matter if I end up standing completely alone: I- will-be-stronger.

Sexual Chocolate…

That’s NOT so sexual!…Why not? Cause I just don’t get approached by guys I find sexually attractive AND available! I wanna know where the men are IN GEORGIA ??? …cause long distance and cam sex just don’t work for me. Okay, so I’m NOT a size 6 with a 24 inch waistline..and I’m not in my 30’s anymore. Does that really mean I can’t fuck somebody under the table?! Dammit! I wanna give away my chocolate!…make that pink. 😀

Surviving Uncomfortably

Surviving uncomfortably…it what I seem to be doing. I am far from my goals…yet I feel as if I seem to be on the right path. I may be a little fuzzy on which one applies right now.

I have stepped waaaaaaayyyy out of my comfort zone. First, I quit my dead end job, then I found another dead end job where I am miserable every damn day I’m there. Felt I had to take it because my bills had to be paid, and no income to a single parent sucks. I have a  car that needs a wrecking ball to fall on it.

For the last 4 years, I have allowed family to intervene in my life, with the purpose of “helping me and guiding me from my wicked ways”. I knew I should have found a less expensive place to live, but my brother wanted to “help” me, so he found me my current living arrangements…and marked the rent up by $300 a month more than what it actually costs. Now, because I don’t make as much as I did when I moved in, he’s ready to kick me out ASAP. And you know what? I’m okay with that! My kid graduates at the end of the month, and I don’t have to live in this area anymore! I can finally find a place and area that I want to be in & can afford! I have a jackass of an ex that isn’t helping with any of the grad fees for the kid. Trying to take care of her needs, and maintain my house leaves absolutely nothing to live off of. But yanno what? I’m STILL happy & positive because this is a turning point for me &  the kids. I will have succeeded! Two kids that has never given me much trouble, and one headed to Pepperdine University next fall! I get to be free from negative blood family influences! I have put forth much effort in trying to maintain a relationship with them. It has just taken too much of a toll on me, and I am just at the point where I HAVE to walk away. Thank goodness for my kink family! THAT’S where I get my love and support from!

Yeah, it’s tough right now, but this time next year? I will be a whole other person, and life will be so much brighter!

I don’t talk about my personal life much, but I feel the need to come out of my shell just this once.

I’m still gonna get that better job…I’m still gonna land on my feet…and I’m still gonna find myself LIVING uncomfortably instead of SURVIVING uncomfortably!!!

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